Released: June 2017

Director: Alex Kurtzman

Run Time: 110 Minutes

Rated PG-13

Distributor: Universal Pictures

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast:
Tom Cruise: Nick Morton
Russell Crowe: Dr. Henry Jekyll
Annabelle Wallis: Jenny Halsey
Sofia Boutella: Ahmanet
Jake Johnson: Chris Vail

When it comes to monster movies, Universal Studios was really the first.  Between the 1930’s and 1950’s, we had such gems like Dracula, The Wolfman, The Invisible Man, Frankenstein, The Bride of Frankenstein to name but a few.  Nobody had seen anything like them before and honestly, very few movie-makers have been able to match them since.  We’ve had variations on those monsters and some of them have been successful.  The Mummy, starring Boris Karloff was one of the original movie monster alongside the others.  The Mummy has had multiple updates as far as films go, the most famous of which is the Brendan Fraser movies of 1999 and 2001.  Those were very successful, but they also knew that they were really silly.  Now, in 2017, we have a new Mummy film starring Tom Cruise.  How does this stack up against the previous films?  In short, not very well.

The Mummy sees Tom Cruise as an army soldier, Nick Morton who is on the search for buried treasure when he’s actually supposed to be surveying enemy troops several miles somewhere else.  With his reluctant partner, Chris Vail, they head into a town that’s been overrun by militants.  Dodging bullets left and right, Vail calls in an air-strike that scatters the enemy troops.  The strike also reveals an ancient Egyptian burial site.  Thing is, this site is in Iraq, not Egypt, but features very Egyptian markings and writing.  Arriving by chopper, scientist Jenny Halsey takes charge.  Taking Nick and Vail with her, they discover that the burial site is a prison and not a tomb.  Discovering a large, deep pool of mercury, Nick shoots a line holding a counter-weight, bringing up a mysterious sarcophagus.  This coffin holds the remains of Ahmanet, an ancient princess who made a pact with the evil god Set to destroy her enemies.  You know the rest, coffin gets opened, mummy is revived, shenanigans ensue, etc, etc.  Aside from the story being absolutely derivative of the movies that have come before, the worst offense here is that the film-makers had the audacity to announce a new cinematic universe with The Mummy being the first chapter.  If you plan on crafting a new cinematic universe, you don’t announce it before the first chapter is released, and you certainly don’t open up the universe with a movie that is as sub-par as this.  You have to make sure a movie works before you even BEGIN to craft a new universe.  If the movie doesn’t work, odds are that the new universe won’t work.

I could forgive a story not being that great if the tone of the film was consistent.  It’s not.  It’s completely scatterbrained.  It’s a movie that doesn’t know if it wants to be a monster movie, action movie, or a spoof.  There’s a lot of stuff in here that just doesn’t seem to mesh very well.  Not only that, but there’s a whole ton of blatant fan-service and “nudge-nudge-wink-wink” moments in which either the older movies are clearly referenced or pointing to something on the horizon.  For example, we have a claw from The Creature from the Black Lagoon and the Book of Amun-Ra from Brendan Fraser’s films.  It’s not even trying to be its own movie.  For a movie that the makers have claimed to be the first chapter in their new “Dark Universe” franchise, it does nothing to distinguish itself from any other movie.  All the action sequences and themes that are on display here have been done before and done much better.

There are a few interesting tid-bits here and there.  Tom Cruise is…well….Tom Cruise.  He puts 150 percent into every role that he does and that’s no different here.  He’s a great actor and he does a fine job here.  Russell Crowe is another highlight.  He plays Dr. Jekyll.  Yes….THAT Dr. Jekyll.  Crowe’s character is the head of a mysterious organization that was built to protect mankind from evil forces.  Gee, I haven’t heard THAT one before.  Sofia Boutella plays the villain of the film, Ahmanet.  She’s fantastic.  The character is far more interesting than anyone else in the movie.  For one, it’s a FEMALE mummy and we understand her motivations for what she’s doing.  She’s not entirely unsympathetic.  I loved that.  Annabelle Wallis’ character of Jenny?  Good grief.  Is there a character that could be even MORE useless than Jenny?  All she does is whine and do stupid things and is only there to be saved.  She’s the fucking damsel-in-distress.  That pisses me off.  After Wonder Woman, a movie that had very strong female characters as well as a strong female lead, Jenny is a huge step backwards.  There were times that I wanted that character to die.  Fuck you, Alex Kurtzman, Jon Spaights and everyone else who had a hand in writing this movie.  That is bullshit.

I said in my opening paragraph that The Mummy is supposed to be the first chapter in Universal’s “Dark Universe.”  With cinematic universes being all the rage now, maybe Universal should have taken a cue from Marvel in how to properly set up the world in which these new movies are supposed to take place.  Iron Man kickstarted the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it worked enough on its own as a movie, so in case that movie wasn’t successful, it wouldn’t have done a lot of damage.  The Mummy is probably the worst way to start off the Dark Universe.  With all the movies that have been announced for this whole thing, I really do hope that Universal steps up their game for their next movie which I hear is Bride of Frankenstein.  If they don’t get that movie to work, the Dark Universe is going to die a very quick death.  The Mummy has its moments, make no mistake about it.  If you can ignore the blatantly obvious screenplay problems and irritating characters, you MIGHT get some enjoyment out of it.

Final Recommendation:  Take this one out to the deserts of Iraq and bury it in a pool of mercury.  5/10.

Released: June 2017

Director: Patrick Syversen

Rated PG-13

Run Time: 98 Minutes

Distributor: Universal Home Video

Genre: Fantasy/Adventure

Cast:
Patrick Stewart: Drago
Tom Rhys Harries: Edric
Jessamine-Bliss Bell: Meghan
Tamzin Merchant: Queen Rhonu
Andre Eriksen: Thorgrim

Can you believe that it’s been over 20 years since the original Dragonheart hit theaters?  I can scarcely believe it myself.  The film, starring Dennis Quaid, David Thewlis, Pete Postlethwaite, and Sean Connery as Draco, hit theaters in 1996 to fairly mixed reviews.  The film definitely has its fans, and I can count myself among them.  Why?  Because dragons are fucking awesome, that’s why.  Dragonheart hit the right amount of excitement, epic battle sequences, fantastic visual effects, acting and a musical score that I can honestly say is one of the finest soundtracks ever created.  But the film also allowed the audiences to connect with Draco on an emotional level.  The writing was sharp and witty and Sean Connery’s performance outshone all others.  So, imagine my surprise when I discovered that there was a sequel: Dragonheart: A New Beginning.  The less said about that direct-to-video sequel, the better.  That really should have been the end of it, and it was until 2014.  Dragonheart 3: The Sorcerer’s Curse was released on home video.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t a terrible movie.  For a direct-to-video sequel, it had a surprising amount of production values attached to it.  The visual effects were actually quite decent.  It’s not what I would call a great film, but it was passable, plus, it had Ben Kingsley as the voice of the dragon.  How could you go wrong?  Three years later, we get ANOTHER film: Battle for the Heartfire.  Oh…..dear.

The film starts with the birth of twins Edric and Meghan.  Due to their grandfather’s bond with Drago, the twins are born with scales.  Edric has scales on his back, and Meghan on her face.  It turns out that these two share a bond with Drago and exhibit special powers of their own.  Edric has super-strength and Meghan can manipulate fire.  After the death of their father, the twins are split up.  Years later, King Gareth is on his death bed when Drago appears.  Gareth passes away and when Drago doesn’t, he begins to feel a connection to at least one of the twins.  Discovering Edric, the king’s guards tell him that he’s the rightful heir.  At the same time, Meghan returns with an army of Vikings to claim HER right as queen.  Truthfully, the story here isn’t awful.  The idea of twin siblings having these amazing powers is actually interesting, but the execution was just plain sloppy.  It feels more convoluted than it needs to be.  Part of what made the original film work was its simplicity in its story-telling.  Here, they’re trying too hard and failing.  Dragonheart is at its best when it is simple.

The acting?  Oh, lord.  It ranges exactly between “not trying at all” and “barely trying.”  I don’t know what the director was doing to try to coax a passable performance out of his actors, but he failed miserably.  The acting here is something that I would have expected from a kindergarten class play.  No, strike that, kindergarten students are better.  Tom Rhys Harries doesn’t even look like he wants to be there.  He’s like, “it’s a paycheck.”  Jessemine-Bliss Bell does a better job, but she’s still not convincing.  The villain of the movie?  A wannabe-viking who is also a wannabe-king.  Andre Eriksen’s performance is simply non-existent.  He’s just there to snarl and sneer.  The vikings in this movie are an absolute joke.  They’re not even threatening.  I’m sorry, my 3.5-year old nephew wearing a toy viking hat is more menacing.  The direction by Patrick Syversen is truly abominable.  No one here is remotely interesting.  The only interesting character is Drago, who is a CGI creation.  Thankfully, he’s voiced by the legendary Patrick Stewart, but even he’s hamstrung by a completely shit screenplay.

If the acting is bad and the story is forgettable, how does the action fare?  I’m sorry: Action?  What action?  I know that the movie’s crew was working on a very small budget, but they could have at least made more of an effort into crafting the fight scenes.  There’s nothing here that’s even worth mentioning.  At least Dragonheart 3 had something resembling a sword-fight.  Here, it’s just throwing punches at people or hurling fire at somebody.  Not even Drago gets in on the action and HE’S a fucking dragon.  Dragonheart 2 had better action and explosions, too.  Dragonheart 4 is a joke.  It has to be.

Well, some of the visual effects are SOMEWHAT competent.  The dragon looks okay, but he’s not as impressive as the previous film.  Some of the locations are pretty interesting as they did film in front of an actual castle, so they’ve got that going for them.  Honestly, I thought that Dragonheart 2 had a very cheap feeling about the whole thing, but this film takes cheap to a whole new level.  The sets, the costumes and the character designs are all, quite frankly, shite, as my Irish friends would put it.  Dragonheart: Battle for the Heartfire is an absolute mess on nearly every level.  I don’t have a clue as to why Universal thinks that we needed more Dragonheart movies.  One was good enough, but FOUR?  This is a poor attempt at a cash-grab from a franchise that really didn’t need to be one.  In my honest opinion, Dragonheart: Battle for the Heartfire is a goddamn catastrophe.  I wasn’t expecting a whole lot from a direct-to-video sequel, but I’ve seen DTV sequels that are better than this.  Dragonheart 3 was one of them.  Don’t bother with this one, whatsoever.

Final Recommendation:  Burn this with dragon-fire. 3/10.

Released: June 2017

Director: Patty Jenkins

Rated PG-13

Run Time: 141 Minutes

Distributor: Warner Bros.

Genre: Action/Fantasy

Cast:
Gal Gadot: Diana
Chris Pine: Steve Trevor
Connie Nielson: Hippolyta
Robin Wright: Antiope
Danny Huston: Ludendorff
David Thewlis: Sir Patrick
Said Taghmaoui: Sameer
Ewen Bremner: Charlie

DC Comics and Warner Bros have had a very hard time getting their “DC Expanded Universe” off the ground.  The film that launched the DCEU, Man of Steel, was released back in 2013.  It was fairly well-received by critics and audiences alike.  It wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it worked well enough as a reboot of Superman.  Afterwards, a follow-up film was announced.  It was assumed that it was going to be another stand-alone Superman film.  However, it ended up turning into Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice.  I followed the film as things developed which included the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman.  It seemed controversial at first, but the trailers made it seem pretty cool.  Unfortunately, one of the trailers featured the super-villain known as Doomsday.  From that point on, I knew where they were going with this.  To me, it seemed too early.  The theatrical release of Batman V. Superman was torn to shreds.  It was not a good movie.  There were too many plot points that went nowhere, a tone that was far too dark and grim to be enjoyed, and a villain that was too over-the-top.  At the same time, Warner Bros had announced Suicide Squad, a film about villains coming together to save the world.  Great concept, crap execution.  It was during this time that Wonder Woman was announced as a stand-alone movie.  After two movies that were considered to be disasters, Wonder Woman was facing an uphill battle, especially with Patty Jenkins at the helm.  The one really standout thing from BvS was Wonder Woman’s appearance.  So….how does Wonder Woman fare?

The film opens on the mysterious island of Themyscira, home of the Amazons.  The Amazons were a large group of warrior women created by the Greek Gods to protect mankind.  Young Princess Diana is seen chasing through a city on the island to see the Amazons training.  Realizing that she can’t protect her daughter forever, Queen Hippolyta allows Diana to be trained.  After an incident during training, Diana witnesses a lone bi-plane appear out of nowhere to crash near the island.  Diving to rescue the plane’s occupant, Diana realizes that the pilot is a man, Steven Trevor.  Not having seen a man before, she helps him to the shore, just before the island is attacked by German forces.  Realizing that their island may no longer be safe, Diana decides to help Trevor get back to his people to fight the War to End All Wars.  I think it was wise for the film-makers to set the story during World War I for a number of reasons.  One:  We don’t see a lot of movies set during this period, which changed the way wars were fought.  Two: It allows the film to stand on its own away from the films that have been released.  This is an origin story, through and through, no denying it.  What sets this story apart from everything else is that the main character, Diana is innocent and naive.  She leaves home to fight a war only to realize that the real world doesn’t work the way she was expecting it to.

I’m going to come right out and say it:  This is a damned good movie.  Let me explain why?  Diana’s naivete allows for some very funny moments as well as some dramatic moments.    For instance, there’s a scene in which Trevor needs her to blend in.  When she tries on various outfits, her reactions are legitimately funny.  It’s very much a “fish-out-of-water” kind of story.  It works, though.  Similarly, when Trevor is tied by the Lasso, he’s forced to tell the truth, even if he doesn’t want to.  That’s also pretty funny.  But there are other moments throughout the film that are tragic, heartwarming and exciting.  A lot of these situations wouldn’t work if the actors weren’t up for it.  Gal Gadot made her debut as Wonder Woman in last year’s Batman V. Superman in what many consider to be a career-defining role.  While she wouldn’t have been my first pick as Diana, Gal Gadot has truly stepped up to the plate.  She owns the role, both physically and dramatically.  I think she was the right choice for the role.  Like-wise, Chris Pine is absolutely phenomenal as Steven Trevor.  The actor’s natural charisma shines through in a role that is also both humorous and dramatic.  The characters are at the heart of the story, but we can’t forget the side-characters, either.  You have Said Taghmaoui as Sameer, the espionage expert, and Ewen Bremner as Charlie, the sniper.  The interactions between these characters feels natural.  The chemistry between Diana and Trevor is also surprisingly strong.

It has to be said:  The action in Wonder Woman is absolutely fantastic.  From the opening battle with the Germans on Themyscira to the final battle of the film, the action is intense.  While the film isn’t packed to the hilt with action, the action that does happen is mind-blowingly awesome.  Gal Gadot just tears it up with her sword, shield and lasso.  The lasso was used far more often than I was expecting.  It’s an important part of Wonder Woman’s arsenal.  Her gauntlet’s are awesome as well.  There was a scene in the film, which from what I understand was going to be cut for one reason or another, but wasn’t.  This was Diana running across No Man’s Land to take out the Germans.  This will most likely become one of the most iconic scenes in cinema history.  Not necessarily because it’s cool, but because we get to see Wonder Woman really let loose for the first time.  From this point on, the movie really kicks into high-gear.

From a visual stand-point, Wonder Woman is an absolutely gorgeous film to behold.  The island of Themyscira is on par with the Lord of the Rings‘ Minas Tirith.  It’s not just the landscapes that are phenomenal, it’s the set designs as well.  The costumes are out-of-this world.  Wonder Woman’s actual outfit is absolutely beautiful.  They nailed the look.  It’s more like armor and it doesn’t reveal too much.  The other costume designs are very period-specific and really sell the world in which the movie takes place.  The visual effects are absolutely astounding as well.  This is a superhero movie, so there is quite a bit of CGI, but that’s to be expected.  It’s all done very well.  The music by Rupert Gregson-Williams is absolutely epic.  The flourishes and Wonder Woman’s theme just really nail the film’s atmosphere and story.

There are a couple of nitpicks here and there, though.  For one the villains aren’t as well-developed as they could have been.  The film’s main villain is often alluded to, but doesn’t make an appearance until the film’s almost over.  It felt a little out of left-field.  Overall, though, the nitpicks don’t bring down what is essentially the best DC movie since The Dark Knight.  Easily.  It’s a stand-alone movie that doesn’t require one to watch the others.  This is the movie that DC and Warner Bros needed.  It needed to work because it had a lot riding on it.  It’s the first live-action Wonder Woman movie EVER, so it had to be good.  It was also directed by a woman, Patty Jenkins, so it had to be good.  Young girls and women haven’t really had a superhero to call their own before Wonder Woman and it’s taken over 70 years to get a movie.  In a genre that’s male-dominated and drowned in sequels and reboots, it’s absolutely refreshing to see a stand-alone movie about one of the greatest superheroes in comic book history.  Gal Gadot had some pretty big shoes to fill from Lynda Carter, and I think she did a fantastic job.  Overall, I have to say that I’m extremely impressed with how Patty Jenkins managed to get this movie to work.  It is one of the best superhero movies of the past decade.  Honestly, if you’re even curious about it, go see it.  Wonder Woman is HIGHLY recommended.

Final Score: 9.5/10

Released: May 2017

Director/s: Joachim Ronning, Espen Sandberg

Rated PG-13

Run Time: 129 Minutes

Distributor: Disney

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast:
Johnny Depp: Captain Jack Sparrow
Javier Bardem: Captain Salazar
Brenton Thwaites: Henry Turner
Geoffrey Rush: Captain Barbossa
Kaya Scodelario: Carina Smyth
Kevin McNally: Gibbs
David Wenham: Scarfield

Over the decades we’ve seen a lot of pirate movies come and go.  We’ve had great ones like Treasure Island and bad ones like Cutthroat Island.  14 years ago, Disney entered the waters upon which pirates have sailed.  2003’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl was a smash hit with audiences world-wide.  Based on the ride of the same name, the film featured an all-star cast which included Johnny Depp as the intrepid, yet drunk, Captain Jack Sparrow.  While not necessarily an original film by an stretch, it was extremely well-made with interesting characters and a story that you could sink your teeth into.  It also featured some of the most spectacular action sequences at the time.  Curse of the Black Pearl remains one of my favorite movies of all time.  It was so successful that it became a trilogy at one point, continuing with Dead Man’s Chest and concluding with At World’s End.  While those two films were not as good, they were still very entertaining and visually spectacular.  Sadly, On Stranger Tides, the fourth film in the series, proved that the franchise was on a downward spiral.  So, how does Dead Men Tell No Tales fare?

As the film opens, we see a young Henry Turner tie himself to a net full of rocks and hurls himself from a rowboat.  He sinks all the way to the Flying Dutchman, where his father, Will Turner, has remained for over a decade.  It seems that Will Turner has been cursed to sail the seas as the captain of the Dutchman, while young Henry seeks to find a way to break that curse.  9 years later, Henry Turner is a sailor on a British ship that is trailing a pirate ship when they come across a mysterious cave.  After the ship accidentally enters the cave, they awaken a ghostly crew of former pirate hunters led by Captain Salazar.  Turner is left alive as he is to tell Jack Sparrow that Salazar is coming for him.  Right off the bat, there are already a number of problems with the story.  For one, the last we saw of Will Turner was in At World’s End, when he became the captain of the Flying Dutchman.  When he became the captain of the ship, the physical issues with the crew disappeared as the ship had found a purpose again.  That purpose being to ferry souls to the other side.  So, Will Turner was not deformed as he was doing his job.  So, why was he deformed here?  There’s a lot of inconsistencies like that here and there that really stand out.  Also, is it really difficult to have a Pirates of the Caribbean film without the supernatural?  As bad as Cutthroat Island was, it was a simply treasure hunt and heist movie.  Sadly, Dead Men is simply another yarn to try and keep poor Jack Sparrow out of trouble.

The writing is one of the biggest issues I have with this movie.  As I said before, there’s a lot of inconsistencies that just don’t make any sense.  For example:  Sparrow’s compass?  Apparently that thing has feelings and will get you into trouble if you betray it by giving it away.  Here’s the problem, though.  Jack gave it away a number of times over the past several movies, so what changed?  It’s never explained.  Also, for a guy that constantly says that “dead men tell no tales,” Salazar just doesn’t seem to shut up.  There’s a lot of stuff here that just seems really half-baked.  It’s like the directors never even saw the previous films.  It seems to me that the people behind Pirates of the Caribbean are running out of ideas.  The dialogue isn’t even as sharp or witty as the previous movies.

Let’s talk about the acting.  It’s widely known that Johnny Depp is a huge fan of his character, Jack Sparrow.  It’s evident that he’s having a lot of fun.  It’s usually fun to watch him, but with Pirates 5, he comes across as annoying.  It’s not a good thing when the lead character of your movie is one of its weakest points.  He was never this irritating in On Stranger Tides.  I don’t necessarily think that it’s a fault of Depp’s, but the way the character is written in this movie makes him very unlikable.  Brenton Thwaites is fine as Henry, while Kaya Scodelario is fantastic as Carina.  Geoffrey Rush is always fun to watch as Barbossa.  But it’s far more entertaining when he was going up against Jack Sparrow.  Javier Bardem is always amazing in whatever he does.  He’s always made a great villain.  While his character is not very well written, Bardem sells it, through and through.  The rest of the cast is fine.  David Wenham plays a secondary villain of British commander Scarfield.

If you’re coming to Pirates 5 for the action…well….it’s not that impressive.  The first three movies had amazing action that included incredible fight choreography which was entwined with visual effects.  It worked very well with a sense of humor.  Here?  The action is…bland.  There is nothing here that people will remember after a day or two.  The first film had that awesome final battle with Barbossa and Sparrow, which was nothing short of epic.  Dead Man’s Chest had Norrington, Will Turner and Sparrow fighting inside a water wheel for the Dead Man’s Chest.  At World’s End had a truly climactic battle scene with the Flying Dutchman and the Black Pearl in the middle of giant whirlpool.  That was fucking awesome.  Pirates 5 has nothing like that whatsoever.  That being said, the action here isn’t awful, as it offers plenty of explosions and some pretty terrific CGI.  That’s generally about it, though.

Here’s the funny thing:  I knew going in that Pirates 5 was not necessarily going to be that good, and for the most part, I was entertained.  It’s not going to win awards or break records, but it is dumb sea-faring fun.  At just a hair over two hours long, the film doesn’t overstay its welcome.  So, that’s a good thing.  I have to be honest here.  This movie was still a mess and when you stack it up against the first four, it’s nowhere near as good.  It seems like it may be time for the whole Pirates of the Caribbean franchise to be laid to rest.  It’s obvious the series has run out of steam.  So…what is my recommendation?  It’s hard to say, with a movie like this.  On the one hand, you have another movie about pirates, which is always a good thing, but on the other, it’s nowhere near as good as other movies that feature pirates.  This is also not Johnny Depp’s best work as Captain Jack Sparrow.  I’m sorry, he’s one of the weaker spots of the film.  If you can catch it a local sticky-shoe theater, then by all means, check it out.  For everybody else, though, wait until DVD/Blu-Ray.

Final Score: 7/10.