Released: August 2004

Director: Darrell Roodt

Rated R

Run Time: Eternity

Cast:
Casper Van Dien: Captain Abraham Van Helsing
Erika Eleniak: Aurora
Coolio(Really?!): 187
Alexandra Kamp: Mina Murry
Grant Hornsby: Arthur Holmwood
Langley Kirkwood: Orlock
Tiny Lister: Humvee
Udo Kier: Captain Varna

I’ve always had an interest in the character of Dracula.  He’s probably the most iconic villain in film history, and even he was inspired by the stories of Vlad Tepes III.  He’s known as the Prince of Darkness, and according to Bram Stoker is the first of the vampires.  As someone who has read the book, I’ve recently been watching a number of adaptations of Stoker’s book.  While most of the adaptations are mostly harmless and some are actually very,very good, there are some that are truly abominable.  A couple months ago, I had reviewed Dario Argento’s Dracula.  I thought that movie was really….not so good.  It followed the original story okay enough, but the production values and acting were absolutely dreadful.  Oh….but that one doesn’t even come close to how horrendous Dracula 3000 is.  It was probably a sign that I was in for a very rotten movie when the disc I rented from Netflix was broken, so I sent it back for another copy.  The copy of the disc that I had gotten today worked well enough, but the movie itself….oh, man.  Sometimes, I review bad movies so I can vent.  I would like to believe I’m pretty fair in my critiques.  I believe in being fair, but there are movies that deserve NO mercy and Dracula 3000 is one of them.

This “film” opens on a video recording of Captain Varna of the spaceship Demeter detailing certain events of what’s been happening on the ship.  The movie cuts to an abysmally rendered ship docking with an equally poorly CG rendered Demeter.  The smaller ship is piloted by Captain Abraham Van Helsing.  As soon as they dock, they begin to realize that something is really wrong.  Yeah, there’s something wrong, alright: The movie f**king sucks.  Anyway, the resident pot-head 187 stumbles on a room of caskets.  Apparently they used to ship drugs across the galaxy using caskets, so Humvee and 187 start opening them up only to discover sand.  Meanwhile everybody else is acting like complete morons and explore the ship.  Humvee ends up abandoning 187 for some stupid reason, and then somebody hears him scream.  They discover he’s been injured and has two puncture wounds on his neck.  You know what? No. No, no, no, no.  NO!!  Just…no.  It just seems criminal to pick apart this movie, because it’s so damned easy.  Let’s start with the acting.  Are you kidding me?  If it was a joke, it would be funny.  Everybody here just plain stinks.  Casper Van Dien plays Van Helsing.  Yes, Abraham Van Helsing.  You know, the legendary vampire killer from Bram Stoker’s novel?  The only thing here that’s legendary is how poorly he does.  Erika Eleniak plays Aurora, the android.  Other than standing there and looking pretty, she does absolutely nothing except whine like a mule.  Coolio?  he stopped being relevant even this movie was released, which was back in 2004.  So, he’s been off the radar for a while, and that’s a good thing.  When he turns into a vampire, he seems to be taking a cue from Gollum, except that he’s just plain awful.  Everyone else is equally horrendous.  The only one who managed to not really be affected was Udo Kier.  He was the only bright spot here.

Story-wise, Dracula 3000 rips off some stuff from the book, but it is done in such a way that absolutely disrespectful of the source material.  Planet Transylvania in the Carpathian System?  At one point somebody actually said Transylvania was a space station, and then changed it to a planet.  A planet of vampires.  Apparently the main baddie, Count Orlock(Dracula) paid for passage on the Demeter with caskets full of sand, which was never explained in the movie.  Let’s talk about the villain, now.  Count Orlock.  When we first see him, he’s dressed up typically like Count Dracula with that ridiculous cape and poofy shirt, only it looks like they got the costume from Wal-Mart, at a discount.  Kirkwood’s performance as Orlock?  This is not acting.  This is running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  The costumes on the other characters are equally appalling.  Van Helsing sports a sleeveless uniform that is supposed to make the character look like a bad-ass.  It only succeeds in making Van Dien like look a Van Dingbat.  Believe it or not, I actually like Casper Van Dien.  I really do.  I liked him in Starship Troopers and I thought he did a fairly decent job in Sleepy Hollow.  I don’t think he’s a terrible actor, just that he doesn’t make the greatest decisions when it comes to movie projects.  Dracula 3000 has to be his worst movie ever.  I don’t think anybody came out of this one unscathed.  For a movie that’s rated R, there’s not a whole of blood or violence.  There’s not even a titty shot from Erika Eleniak or Alexandra Kamp.  That probably would have made the movie a little bit more tolerable.  Nope.  Not even that.  I don’t know how the actors got roped into this, but I’m guessing they were desperate for a paycheck, maybe?  The amount of incompetence on display here is beyond reckoning.  Dario Argento’s film is like Citizen Kane compared to this tripe.  The director had absolutely no idea what the hell he was doing.  The writers must have been on meth or some kind of narcotic, because I think the only way to enjoy this movie is to be stoned out of your mind.  Dracula 3000 isn’t worth the Monopoly money that was probably used to pay for it.  How the movie got the green light will always remain a mystery to me.  Oh, I can’t forget that ending.  Uh…Orlock gets his arm cut off as the ship heads towards some sun.  So in their last hours, Humvee and Aurora use their remaining time to bang each other, apparently.  I didn’t mention that earlier Van Helsing got turned a vampire and then staked through the heart with a pool cue.  There’s that.  And then the ship explodes and then the credits role.  You know, in most cases, I would consider that a bad thing, because it’s a non-ending.  But I’m just fine with it here.  The movie actually runs about 86 minutes, but it feels like forever.

If, for some unfathomable reason that you decide to rent, or God forbid, buy it, and the disc doesn’t work, consider it a sign from the Almighty that you probably shouldn’t watch this garbage.  Do yourselves a favor:  Stay away.  Stay far away.  If you see somebody pick this up to look at it, grab it out of their hands and throw it into the garbage.  Or better yet:  Douse it in holy water, stake it, and set it on fire.  It is the only way to cleanse that brand of evil from this earth.  My final verdict is: DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THING?!  BURN IT!  Warn your friends.  Warn your family.

Movie Trailer

Released: November 1997

Director: John R. Leonetti

Rated PG-13

Run Time: 95 Minutes

Cast:
Robin Shou: Liu Kang
Brian Thompson: Shao Kahn
Sandra Hess: Sonya Blade
Talisa Soto: Kitana
Lynn ‘Red’ Williams: Jax
James Remar: Rayden
Reiner Schoene: Shinnok

I may have said my piece about why movies based on video games suck for the most, but I’m going to say it again with emphasis: Do it right, or don’t do it at all.  There are countless movies based on video games, and most of them are garbage.  If it has Uwe Boll attached to the movie, it’s almost guaranteed to suck.  He’s the Ed Wood of video game movies.  But even before Boll showed up with House of the Dead, video game licenses were being handed out like candy to movie studios to be able to make more money and bring more attention to the franchise.  There was Super Mario Bros. which was a complete catastrophe; Street Fighter was completely bonkers with Raul Julia being the only saving grace(God rest his soul), and the Mortal Kombat films.  Here’s the thing with Mortal Kombat, though: The first movie was actually pretty decent.  While the visual effects were kinda goofy, it had solid fight choreography, interesting characters, and surprisingly decent acting.  Oh, and it had Christopher Lambert as Rayden, the God of Thunder, so it was a win-win situation.  I thoroughly enjoyed the hell out of it.  I will defend the first movie until the day that I die.  Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, though?  Oh, dear.

Beginning right where the previous film left off, Liu Kang, Sonya Blade, Johnny Cage, and Kitana have returned from Outworld after a decisive victory in the tournament of Mortal Kombat.  After a brief period of rest and relaxation, it turns out that the emperor of Outworld, Shao Kahn, isn’t willing to admit defeat.  So, he breaks the rules of Mortal Kombat and invades the Realm of Earth.  With a horrendously rendered sky being torn apart, Shao Kahn begins to merge Earth and Outworld into one realm, effectively annihilating mankind in the process(see what I did there?).  After a brief encounter which leaves Johnny Cage dead and Rayden defeated, our heroes escape to fight another day, but not without help.  The “story” is ripped right from the Mortal Kombat 3 video game, if you can call it a story.  It’s just a reason for people to start fighting and beating the hell out of each other.  I’m absolutely okay with that, if it was properly done.  In the case of the first Mortal Kombat, they used the whole tournament backdrop to tell the story and get things moving.  It worked.  But with the sequel, it’s no longer a tournament, but a fight for survival.  A poorly choreographed fight for survival, I might add.  Let’s start off with the obvious, shall we?  The visual effects are abhorrent.  Even for 1997, the visuals effects in Mortal Kombat: Annihiliation were very, very bad.  The film apparently had a smaller budget than the previous film, and it shows.  The opening scene at the Temple of the Order of Light was just bombarded with absolutely horrid CGI effects.  The sky has lines in it.    I don’t know how they managed to get a theatrical release with this one.  There is a fight with Shao Kahn and Liu Kang at the end of the movie where they use their Animalities, which is where they turn into their spirit animal…or something like that.  Honestly, it’s worse than it sounds.  Don’t believe me?  Please Click Here.

The visual effects can be forgiven if the rest of the movie is okay, right?  Right?  Wrong.  Before I even get into how bad the choreography is, let’s discuss the casting.  See, the first film had a pretty solid cast, with Christopher Lambert chewing the scenery as Rayden.  He was awesome.  So who had the bright idea to let James Remar play the role?  They also replaced the actress for Sonya Blade and Johnny Cage, who gets killed in the first 10 minutes of the film.  The only two actors to reprise their roles were Robin Shou as Liu Kang and Talisa Soto as Kitana.  Given the horrific dialogue these guys had to speak, I’m amazed people had a straight face while making this movie.  The only actor who seems like he’s having a real good time was Brian Thompson, who plays Shao Kahn.  He chews the scenery like it’s nobody’s business.  The amount of characters that they threw in is so ridiculous that some of them don’t even get to fight.  Rain, the purple ninja just shows up only to be killed off by Kahn.  The writing in this movie is absolutely rotten to the core.  It’s like the film was written by a 5 year old with no hands.  The dialogue is absolutely cringe-worthy.

How about the fighting?  Is that any good?  Eh…it’s a mixed bag.  Some of the fights are actually really, like Jax vs. Cyrax.  That was actually pretty awesome.  There are a lot of cool moves and stunts, but that doesn’t make a good movie.  Some of the fights are so poorly done, it’s wonder why they even bothered.  The fight between Liu Kang and Baraka is just plain bad.  It also hurts the film that the editing is sloppy.  It doesn’t cut when it needs like when the prison cell drops down on Sheeva, you can tell that it stops before the scene cuts.  The fight scene with Rayden and the ninjas was pretty cool, but you could obviously tell that it wasn’t James Remar doing the fighting.  His stunt double was Ray Park, who played Darth Maul in Star Wars.  It was painfully obvious.  Painful is generally how I would describe the choreography in this movie.  It was choreographed by Robin Shou, who should have left it to somebody else.  The music on the other hand, is fantastic.  Like the film before it, the music in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is a combination of techno and heavy metal, featuring bands like Rammstein with the main score being conducted by George S. Clinton(no relation to the politicians).  The main theme of the movie is a remix of the theme song done by The Immortals for the video game during the 90’s.  So, that was pretty cool.  At the end of the day though, this is not a good movie.  Is it the worst video game movie?  Not really.  But as far as sequels go, this one falls way short.  I’m not saying the first movie was a masterpiece, it was definitely not, but it was competently made and a great deal of fun.  Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?  Not so much.  Here’s a couple of options.  1.  Stick with the original film, which was kind of a blast.  2.  Go for the YouTube series, Mortal Kombat Legacy.  Both seasons.  Those are actually very, very good.  I definitely recommend them.  Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is only good for a drinking game.  I’m going to change-up how I rate movies from here on out.  If a movie gets below a 5/10, it gets a different kind of rating.  Otherwise it’s still the same.  The final verdict for Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is: BAD MOVIE.

Scene from Count Dracula(1970)

Released: 1973(US)

Director: Jess Franco

Rated: PG

Run Time: 98 Minutes

Cast:
Christopher Lee: Count Dracula
Herbert Lom: Van Helsing
Klaus Kinski: Renfield
Maria Rohm: Mina
Fred Williams: Jonathan
Soledad Miranda: Lucy
Paul Muller: Seward
Jack Taylor: Quincey

Count Dracula is one of, if not the most iconic figure in horror.  Thanks to Bram Stoker’s legendary tale about the character, Dracula has been a prominent figure and an inspiration for many of the vampire tales over the past century.  In film, many people have portrayed the character in many forms starting with Bela Lugosi in the original 1931 film.  Frank Langella, Gary Oldman, Thomas Kretschmann, and most recently, Luke Evans have played the character use their own unique talents.  But there’s nobody who has played the character more prominently than Sir Christopher Lee.  The man is a living legend.  At 6′ 5″, Christopher Lee is towering and can seem to be imposing.  Having starred in several Hammer Horror films as Dracula, Lee made a name for himself playing villains.  Sadly, not even his appearance in Jess Franco’s Count Dracula can save this low-budget disaster.

Jess Franco’s film opens with Jonathan Harker on his way to Transylvania to meet with the mysterious Count Dracula, who has purchased land in London for some reason or another.  After staying at an inn before taking a stage-coach to Dracula’s castle, Jonathan begins to experience some strange things and is unable to get a good night’s sleep.  When he finally arrives at the castle, he is greeted by Count Dracula and is offered a room.  Before he knows it, Jonathan finds himself trapped and realizes that Dracula isn’t who or what he appears to be.  After escaping the Count, Jonathan wakes up in a mental institute run by Dr. Van Helsing.  With Mina and Lucy, Van Helsing determines that Dracula may not actually be human.  As someone who has actually read Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I was surprised at how literally the book was interpreted.  While I admit that it was interesting to see the film interpreted that way, it had the problem of Dracula not being in the movie as much as he should be.  In the book, Dracula didn’t actually have many physical appearances, but you could feel his presence and how he manipulates the world and people around him.  Dracula’s manipulation in Jess Franco’s movie boils down to “Lucy.  Lucy.  Lucy. Lucy,” and “Mina.  Mina.  Mina.  Mina.”  Dracula is supposed to have incredible supernatural powers.  I understand that this is a low-budget affair, but the extent of Dracula’s power seems to transform into a bat that is being swung around on a piece of string.

Honestly, I like some of the shots that were used, and while it is obviously not London, some of these shots kind of set the sinister mood.  I thought that was pretty decent.  Christopher Lee IS Dracula.  The guy’s immense frame allows for a very an intimidating and imposing villain.  Lee uses his size and voice to great degree in nearly everything that he does, and it’s no exception here.  The man is hypnotizing to watch.  He inhabits the character the so well that it is no surprise that most people associate Christopher Lee with Dracula.  Herbert Lom does a pretty good job as Van Helsing.  He brings a dead seriousness to the role that’s kind of the trademark of Lom’s.  He’s famous for playing Captain Nemo in Mysterious Island, and he brings that same kind of presence to this film.  Unfortunately, things go downhill from there.  As I mentioned earlier, Dracula doesn’t appear very often in this movie.  For a book, I think that’s okay, because the author can get away with a villain manipulating events without being seen, but for a movie, you need to see the villain.  In some ways Count Dracula is a little TOO faithful to the book.  The scene at the inn didn’t need to be there.  It slowed things down.  Renfield is another issue here.  He doesn’t say a damned word.  Klaus Kinski is just….there.  And he screams….a lot. There’s nothing particularly menacing about somebody who doesn’t say a word.  In the book, Renfield is insane, but there is a deliberate method to his madness that in the end doesn’t make him seem that crazy.  In this film, he’s clearly nuts.  Outside of the Christopher Lee and Herbert Lom, the acting is atrocious.  Franco’s constant and irritating use of extreme close-ups are ridiculous.  Who does he think he is, Sergio Leone?  Not only that, when the camera DOES zoom in, the actors look like they’re staring intently at something just off camera.  They look like they’re staring into somebody’s soul.  High drama, ladies and gents.  If you want to come across as a serious actor, stare intently at something.  I think most actors get it wrong: they’re not staring intently enough at things.  It’s all about the staring!  

I understand that this version of Count Dracula was released in 1970, but it is an absolute mess of a film.  I’m a huge fan of Christopher Lee, but this is definitely not one of his best movies.  His performance is okay, we just don’t see a whole lot of him.  I definitely understand that they were trying to be as faithful to the book as possible, but Bram Stoker’s novel is one of those books that shouldn’t have a direct interpretation.  As I said earlier, there is a huge difference between books and movies.  When you’re adapting something like Dracula, you have to be willing to throw some stuff out.  Franco really didn’t and the movie really suffers for it.  Also, Keanu Reeves did a better job playing Jonathan Harker.  Yes, I said it.  Fred Williams just butchered it entirely.  Jess Franco’s Count Dracula is probably one of the worst adaptations I’ve seen for Bram Stoker’s fable.  Still, it’s better than Dario Argento’s film, not that would be difficult in any circumstance.  It’s really hard to find the positives in a movie where the negatives are so painfully obvious.  Hammer Horror this is not.  Not even Christopher Lee can save this movie from slapped with a Bad Movie label.  It’s pretty bad.  4/10.

For your previewing pleasure today, I present to you 2 trailers:  One for Star Wars: The Force Awakens and Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice.  So…hold on to your butts.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

This is the second trailer for J.J. Abrams upcoming Star Wars film.  Anybody who knows me will tell you that I’m a gigantic, big huge fan of George Lucas’s movies.  Even the prequel movies have a special place in my heart, despite their problems.  For years, I had been hoping that George Lucas would change his mind on making the sequel trilogy.  Why?  There’s a whole lot to tell after the events of Return of the Jedi.  Since Lucas sold his company and his film rights to Disney Studios, we will be getting that Sequel Trilogy, starting with The Force Awakens.  When the first teaser hit the Internet, I felt like a kid again.  This second teaser gives me that feeling again, and I’m excited for this one.  Let’s take a look at it.  The opening of the trailer features the familiar LucasFilm logo and then it cuts to a desert where the scrolls and reveals an X-Wing and an Imperial Star Destroyer buried in the desert.  Then we get to see the remains of Darth Vader’s helmet.  Why that’s in there, I have no idea.  I can’t wait to find out.  We get a closer look at some of the characters including the film’s apparent villain, Kylo Ren.  The trailer features some of the action that we will see including the Millenium Falcon flying through the remains of a Star Destroyer being chased by a Tie-Fighter.  The music that is used really sells the mood and gets you pumped.  I’m not sure who says it, but a character is reciting some of the words the Luke said to Leia during the Battle of Endor.  But the biggest reveal of the trailer is at the end, when we see Han Solo and Chewbacca for the first time since Return of the Jedi, and Han says, “Chewie, we’re home.”  Yes.  Yes we are.  Starring, Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Oscar Isaac, Max Von Sydow, Lupita Nyong’o, and Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca, Star Wars: The Force Awakens jumps into hyperspace December 18.

Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice

On one hand, I’m excited for this movie.  I loved the hell out Man of Steel.  I thought it was a proper way to reboot the franchise, and give it a little bit more grit.  The idea of Superman going up against Batman is not new.  In fact, the movie apparently borrows from Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns.  Batman’s suit looks absolutely fantastic.  Ben Affleck himself looks to be in pretty great shape for the role and it looks like he’s going to do a pretty good job.   I really hope so.  Henry Cavill obviously is returning as Kal-El.  He was fantastic, so I expect to see more of the same from him.  On the other hand, I’m very worried about this movie.  I feel that we should have gotten another Superman-only film before we got to this story-line.  They’re also giving cameos to most of the major DC superheroes in this movie: Wonder Woman, The Flash, Green Lantern, and Aquaman.  I don’t know how long they’re going to be in it, but I don’t see the point.  This film is going to be leading up to a full-blown Justice League film, so I do understand that they want to introduce the main protagonists, but they’re trying to pack in a lot of stuff for a 2 and a half hour movie.  Stuff’s going to be left out or half-baked.  Certain ideas just aren’t going to cut it.  We’ve seen what happens to comic book movies when they try to put in too many characters and sub-plots.  Those movies are generally problematic, especially if said characters don’t get an introductory movie the way Marvel did.  The Avengers succeeded because they didn’t need to go into the backstory of each character.  The character-specific movies did that.  Batman V. Superman isn’t getting released until next year, and from what I’ve seen of next year’s movie slate, Batman V. Superman is going up against some major competition.  Deadpool, X-Men: Apocalypse, and Captain America: Civil War are slated to be released next year.  Zack Snyder’s movie may end up getting lost in the shuffle, because the amount of HUGE movies coming out in 2016.  I’m pretty sure it will be a successful movie financially, but I don’t think it’s going to be on the same level as Man of Steel.  Starring Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, Jeremy Irons, Amy Adams, Laurence Fishburne, and Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor, Batman V. Superman flies into theaters March 25, 2016.  I’ve got my fingers crossed for this one.  Please don’t fail.  Please don’t fail.  Please don’t fail.

Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice official website.

Star Wars: Episode VII: The Force Awakens Official Website.