Director: Tommy Wiseau(If you can call him a director)
Run Time: 99 minutes that I will never, EVER get back.
Rated R for Retarded
Released: 2003…..unfortunately
Cast:
Tommy Wiseau: Johnny
Juliette Danielle: Lisa
Greg Sestero: Mark
Philip Haldiman: Denny
Bad movies are really a dime a dozen these days. Don’t believe me? All you have to do is turn on the TV to the Sy-Fy channel, Lifetime or any other channel that isn’t HBO. I honestly believe that most filmmakers try not to make deliberately bad movies. Even if they’re from The Asylum, they try to do the best they can based on the budget they have been given. I’ve seen my fair share of bad movies over the years. From Remo Williams to Highlander: The Source, I’ve been witness to some pretty crappy film-making. Granted, it’s my choice to watch these suckers. Sometimes I regret it, and sometimes I don’t. I certainly don’t regret watching the Sharknado movies. Those are actually a lot of fun. Movies like that are self-conscious and don’t take themselves seriously at all. Then you have movies that are crap that take themselves WAY too seriously. These are ones that you laugh at, and the actors and crew don’t seem to be in on the joke. Even Uwe Boll’s films have some form of entertainment to them. At least he puts a little effort into his flicks. Tommy Wiseau, on the other hand, I don’t think has the first clue how to make a movie.
Unceremoniously dumped on audiences back in 2003, this abomination of a movie follows Tommy…I’m sorry, JOHNNY through every day life doting on his cheating, backstabbing girlfriend, Juliette..oops, Lisa, while trying to get a promotion at his job. Unbeknownst to him(and how he doesn’t figure this out early on, I will never know), Lisa is sleeping with his best friend, Greg, er, Mark, another horrendously acted “character.” THAT is the gist of the “plot.” The Room gained a great deal of notoriety when it was released. Most rational people had declared it the worst movie ever made. Truthfully, I would have to agree. Everything about this movie is just plain awful. Let’s talk about the “performances.” Wow. Nobody is trying, whatsoever. I swear, these jokers are reading off a teleprompter or cue cards. Tommy himself looks like he’s asleep throughout the whole thing, while uttering lines of such Writer’s Guild quality like, “You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” His character greets everybody with “Oh, hi so-and-so.” At one point, these people are at each other’s throats, and the next second they’re all buddy-buddy again. Actually, you know what? You have to see this for yourself, and I’m going to spare you the need to actually rent this garbage. Watch it. Watch it, I say!
Not much is really known about Tommy Wiseau. He’s very secretive about his personal life. From what I’ve read, he’s independently wealthy and doesn’t need to make movies to live. The Room was apparently made on a 6 million dollar budget. Nobody knows how he financed it. I would assume he did it himself. You could have fooled me. It looks like something you could make in your back yard for 5 bucks. The sets, the costumes…EVERYTHING is clearly cheap. The sex scenes are completely random and hilarious to watch. All the tension in the film is basically centered around who goes going to say the next terrible line. The music is terrible, but then I would assume you already know that. You know what’s funny? The Room has become a cult classic of sorts. There have been midnight showings where the audience members dress up as their favorite characters and basically clown around. Apparently, it’s a movie that’s a lot more fun when you’re around other people. It certainly deserves a Riff Trax, that’s for sure. Oh, hi Riff Trax! I think that Riff Trax sums it better than I ever could.
There is only one other movie that’s reached this level of notoriety and that’s Troll 2. I haven’t seen it yet, but now I have to. As I said before, bad movies are a dime-a-dozen, but it takes real talent to make something as dreadful as The Room. Tommy Wiseau billed this movie as a serious drama, but it just ended up being unintentionally hilarious. Sorry, Tommy. Go back to wherever it is you came from and actually learn how to make semi-competent film. The Room has set the bar SO low for movies, that it touches the ground. Any future bad movies that I watch will be measured against The Room. I’m not even sure how to score this one. Let’s give it a bash: For the movie itself: 1/10. For it’s unintentional hilarity: 10/10. Overall…….still a 1/10, and I’m being generous. If, for some unfathomable reason you are curious about this movie, just watch the links I posted. They’re far more entertaining. Tommy Wiseau’s character ended up shooting himself in the head at the end of the movie, presumably from the terrible script and acting. So, yeah. This one is definitely a bad movie.
Cast:
Keanu Reeves: John Wick
Michael Nyqvist: Viggo Tarasov
Alfie Allen: Iosef Tarasov
Willem Defoe: Marcus
Ian McShane: Winston
Action movies that feature a main character hell-bent on revenge are nothing new. It’s a story line that goes back decades. These days there are few action thrillers that are straight to the point. It’s not always a bad thing for a movie to be straightforward like that. Movies like Taken and Colombiana are some of the more recent flicks featuring a character that’s been wronged and is willing to do whatever it takes to set things right. Generally, a lot of these action thrillers feature a character that is a total bad-ass. Said bad-ass knows how to fight using either guns or his hands and feet. There were a number of films last year that fit the bill. One was The November Man starring Pierce Brosnan, which was absolutely fantastic. Sabotage and The Raid 2 were also released last year. Both were really good at what they did. But it’s not often that we see Keanu Reeves take down the Russian mob. Enter John Wick, released last year to fairly decent reviews.
John Wick stars Keanu Reeves as….John Wick, the guy that the Russian mafia used to call to eliminate issues that they couldn’t handle themselves. So, Mr. Wick is a kind of a specialist. After leaving the business behind to live a life of peace with his wife, she unexpectedly dies of cancer 5 years later. Before her death, she arranges for a dog to be brought to him upon her death. After encountering some nasty Russian mobsters at a gas station, they follow him home, beat him to a pulp, kill his dog, and steal his car. To say this pisses him off is an understatement. Digging up the weapons that he had buried years earlier, he systematically targets the Russian mafia to get to the person who took everything from him. While the setup to the film seems a little cheesy, the film soon goes into overdrive and doesn’t stop. It’s a non-stop action thrill-ride that’s light on substance, but heavy on style.
Keanu Reeves in an action movie really isn’t anything new. He’s been in some of the coolest action movies ever: Point Break, Speed, and The Matrix Trilogy. It’s kind of funny since the role that he’s really known for was Ted “Theodore” Logan from the Bill and Ted movies. When he’s given the right material, Keanu Reeves can knock it out of the park, not just physically, but also in the acting department. While the opening scene of John Wick seems a little cheesy, Reeves is actually given a chance to act a little bit. But when he’s let off the leash, Reeves becomes one of the coolest assassins in cinema. It’s clear that he prepared for the role, because the way he handles guns and hand-to-hand combat in this film, seem almost natural to him. He’s supported by some pretty heavy-weight actors like Willem Defoe, who plays an aging assassin who may or may not be a villain. Ian McShane briefly shows up as the owner of a hotel that caters specifically to hit-men. He’s always fun to watch, even though he doesn’t get much to chew on. Alfie Allen of Game of Thrones fame, plays Iosef, the son of the head of the Russian mob in New York. This guy knows how to play a complete scumbag. Michael Nyqvist plays Iosef’s father, who realizes what Iosef did and tries to defuse the situation to no avail. John Wick will not be denied. The action is impressively choreographed with interesting and awesome moves that only someone like Keanu Reeves could do with style. It’s brutal, violent, and can be a hell of a lot of fun. John Wick I feel is one of the better action movies of 2014.
The story is pretty much a straight-forward revenge tale. There’s nothing particularly original here, yet I found myself getting emotionally involved. Why? I love dogs and watching the mobsters kill John’s dog in front of him enraged me considering the purpose the dog was supposed to serve. It really did. I think most people who love dogs as much as I do would feel the same thing. That makes it easier to get behind the character and root for him unleashing hell on his assailants. Watching John Wick gun down mobster after mobster provided me with a sense of catharsis. Watching the mobsters get what’s coming to them was extremely satisfying, especially in the way that Wick does it. Make no mistake, John Wick is not a good guy. He’s a cold-blooded killer who’s been pushed too far, and yet we root for him. If there’s a nitpick that I have with the film, is that it can feel a bit like a video game at times and some of the blood is obviously CG. That’s pretty much it. The action is solid and moves at a break-neck pace. This is Chad Stahelski’s directorial debut, and it is a knock-out hit as far as I’m concerned. The man has intimate experience with fight coordination and stunt-work so having him direct a movie like this actually makes a lot of sense, since he knows a great deal about what it takes to make an effective action film. Overall, this is a very solid action film. Word is that they’re trying to go forward with a second film. Given how well the first movie turned out, I’m looking forward to it. This one comes easily recommended. 9/10.
A while back I made a list of some of the best sequels to movies ever made. I mentioned some really fantastic films like Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back, Wolf Creek 2, X-2: X-men United, and Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. These were awesome movies because they took what was already great about the original film and improved on it in nearly every way. They proved that you can take an already successful film and make a worthy follow-up that people will flock to. Unfortunately, not all movies get good sequels. Sometimes, a poor sequel can be the end of a film franchise. Yet, on the other side of the coin, even a bad sequel can be successful. So what makes a sequel bad? The script can be overblown or completely inconsistent with bad acting, dialogue, visual effects and/or poor plot points. That’s not to say that these movies are BAD movies per se, but they have no chance of hitting that bar that the original film set. Some of the films I’m going to mention are going to be ones that I enjoyed. Again, a bad sequel doesn’t always equal a bad movie. So, let’s get this train-wreck on the move. Note: As usual, these are not going to be in any particular order with the exception of one. Some of you may already know what it is, but I’ll get to it.
Spider-Man 3
Awesome trailer, no? I’ll be honest, for the most part, Sam Raimi’s third entry into the franchise isn’t a total loss. It has some really awesome action sequences and great visual effects. It can be genuinely thrilling. Thomas Haden Church turns in a fantastic performance as Sand Man. He should have been the main villain of the film. But there’s quite a few problems with this movie. One: Venom. I love the character, he can be a bit of an anti-hero in the comics as well as a super-villain, but they screwed the pooch here. They cast Topher Grace as Eddie Brock. Brock was a pretty big dude. Topher isn’t. He doesn’t get a whole lot of screen-time as Venom, and when he does, he doesn’t do the whole “we” thing like in the comics or the cartoons. He also goes out like a little bitch in the end. Two: Too many villains. Not only do you have Venom and Sand Man in the picture together, but the movie also throws in the New Green Goblin to spice things up. Each of Spider-Man’s encounters with these characters could have easily been a movie. There are too many plot points to give a cohesive narrative and that leads me to the biggest issue with the movie I’ve got: “Emo” Peter Parker. In the comics and the story, a black alien substance attaches itself to Parker’s suit and when he puts it on, it has an affect on him. It enhances his strength considerably, but it also exposes Peter Parker’s darker side. That’s a great plot point, but there’s a problem: It doesn’t turn out very well. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this. It’s embarrassing. That’s not the worst part: The dance numbers. Dance numbers? In a Spider-Man movie?! That is one of the biggest face-palm moments I’ve ever seen in a superhero movie. Sure, Spider-Man 3 did pretty well at the box-office, but critically, it got lambasted. 5 years later, the franchise gets a re-boot starring Andrew Garfield. It actually wound being a much better film. Spider-Man 3 was a mess, to be sure. But it wasn’t the worst sequel I’ve ever seen. Oh, no. There are plenty more on the way.
Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
The original Mad Max film starring Mel Gibson was a brilliant and spectacular film. It gave us a small glimpse into post-apocalyptic Australia. While the apocalyptic wastelands were mostly inferred, Mad Max fired on all cylinders when it came to the car chases and stunts. It was awesome. The sequel The Road Warrior took it to whole new level, showing us the wastelands and anarchy of the aftermath of the apocalypse. Warring tribes fight for fuel while Max is trying to make is way in the world, when he’s dragged into the conflict. This movie has some of the best car chases ever put on film. The last 40 minutes is a thrill-ride. That brings us to the tepid third film. Beyond Thunderdome is a horrible PG-13 mish-mash of bad ideas and Tina Turner. It also turns Max into some kind of savior for a group of parentless urchins who live in an oasis somewhere in the wastelands. Great, they turned “Mad” Max Rockatansky into a baby-sitter. Then there’s Tina Turner. I think she’s a fantastic singer, but an actress she is not. When it comes to playing a villain, she comes across as a laughing-stock. There are things in the film that remind me of the previous movies, but it’s mired between horrendous writing and a bare-bones story. This is what happens when you take a series that’s known for it’s R-rated brutality and violence and water it down to try and appeal to the masses. It NEVER works. You just end up alienating the fans you’ve already got.
The Matrix Trilogy is a prime example of what happens when you take a very interesting premise that really wasn’t that complicated to begin with and stretch it out for three movies. The original film was revolutionary. It gave us an interesting story with very interesting characters(yes, that includes Mr. Anderson a.k.a Neo). But the film also delivered on an awesome mix of kung-fu, gun-play and Cartesian philosophy. It was a mix that really worked and gave us one of the best sci-fi action movies of the decade. The second film delivered on the action, but it got hampered with some really bad writing and more philosophical mumbo-jumbo. The Matrix Revolutions goes to a whole new level of stupid. Honestly, I can’t deny that the action and visual effects in these movies is top-notch. It’s just a shame that the Wachowski’s opted to hammer home more philosophical junk that makes absolutely no sense and an ending that is so completely anti-climactic that it pissed me off. Turning Neo into a Christ-like savior was completely unnecessary. He could have just beaten Smith to death and that would have been the end of it. But no, the Wachowski’s tried to make a statement and it ended up falling flat on its face. Reloaded and Revolutions were shot back-to-back, and I think it was clear that the Wachowskis ran out of ideas. I happen to like each of the films, and the third film has an awesome fight between Neo and Smith, but you have to watch the movie just for the action, nothing else, that’s all it’s good for.
Any of the Scorpion King Sequels
I’m not even going to bother with a trailer for these, because they are just plain horrendous. The first movie was already a spin-off of The Mummy films, but at least it had the presence of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. It was a fun little diversion with some pretty witty dialogue and some awesome action. It showcased Dwayne Johnson’s potential as an action star. It should have ended there. It didn’t. We got three sequels. Scorpion King 2 is actually a prequel, but lumping it with the others because of it’s horrificness. That word should be in the Miriam-Webster Dictionary. It used to be that direct-to-video movies were generally awful, and while that is still the case for the most part, a good chunk of those movies are actually pretty decent, just not the The Scorpion King ones. I was actually excited for Scorpion King 2 when it was announced and I blind-bought it. That was a mistake. It was horrible in every aspect. The worst part is the guy who directed it: Russell Mulcahy. You know what else he directed? Highlander. Guess he is a one-hit wonder. The other movies? Not nearly as bad, but still pretty lousy, although, the guy they got to play The Scorpion King wasn’t too bad. The first movie ain’t shabby, but stay away from the sequels. They are truly bad sequels.
Highlander: The Source
Speaking of Highlander, here’s one. I’m going to make this one easy on me: Just read this. It’ll tell you everything you need to know about how this film craps over the franchise. Stick with the original or Anime movies. You’ll thank me later.
Sometimes when I think about this one, I feel a little conflicted. It’s not a bad movie at all. It really isn’t. It’s awesome to see Sigourney Weaver reprise the role of Ripley again, even if it is a clone. The writing is surprisingly sharp, thanks to Joss Whedon. It also has some pretty quirky characters played by the likes of Ron Perlman, Michael Wincott, Wynona Ryder and Brad Dourif. That is quite the cast, and they all do great jobs. It’s also a very thrilling film in it’s own right and has a unique sense of humor about it. That’s also where the problem is. It’s too light-hearted for its own good. The first three movies were very dark, atmospheric and bleak. Resurrection certainly is bleak, but the tone of the movie is just too different from the others. It just doesn’t feel like an Alien film. It’s one of those movies that isn’t really that bad, but it fails as a sequel. It relies on too much cliches and tropes inherent in many sci-fi movies. It gave us a really creepy new monster, though. I’ll give it that. For the gore-hounds, there’s much to like here. I personally tend to not include Alien Resurrection as part of the series. As far as I’m concerned, Ripley’s story ended in the third film. I would love to see another Alien movie that doesn’t involve Ripley. The stories are out there as we’ve got hundreds of books and comics to draw from.
A Good Day To Die Hard
Bruce Willis used to be one of the world’s most bankable stars. He was very reliable when it came to acting. He was very, very good. The movie that really put him on the map was John McTiernan’s Die Hard. This was one of the best action movies of the 80s and basically made Willis a household name overnight. He’s been in numerous action vehicles that have done pretty well, but recently, he’s really started going downhill. I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about the fourth Die Hard movie, but it actually ended up being a pretty decent fare for a PG-13 movie. Watch the unrated DVD instead, though. A Good Day To Die Hard is the latest entry in the series. Honestly, I got a kick out of it. It’s action-packed and fast-paced. The banter between him and his son, Jack is amusing at times. Here’s the problem. They took a New York cop and put him in Russia and made the villains generic…..Russians. I would’ve been happy with another Gruber as the baddie. Nope. It also doesn’t feel like Bruce is giving his all in this movie. It’s a shame, because it’s the role that he’s most associated with. It’s a good action movie, but it’s a poor Die Hard film. Word is that they are trying to go forward with a 6th movie. God, I hope not. Either that, or Bruce Willis needs to step up his game, because he’s starting to get too old for this stuff.
Batman and Robin
You knew it was coming. You knew. Here it is. There’s a reason why I saved this one for last. I’m a huge fan of Batman, always have been. The first two movies with Michael Keaton were amazing. Even Batman Forever still maintained that darkness that had been a part of the series thus far. It was a fun and colorful film that actually felt like a comic book. Batman And Robin has no right to exist. Warner Bros tried to go for a more family friendly affair with this one so they took out one of the most important elements that made Batman what he is: His damaged psyche from witnessing the murder of his parents. That’s pretty damaging stuff, and to see that element removed entirely just doesn’t make sense. Everything went wrong with this entry. The casting was just bizarre. George Clooney as Batman and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze? Dreadful. I like both actors, I really do. But they have no place in a movie like this. I could actually see Arnold as Freeze, though, in a better film. But Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl? That was a colossal screw-up. I honestly don’t think her career’s recovered at all. The character is supposed to be Gordon’s daughter, not Alfred’s niece. Don’t get me started on Bane. Oh, my god, they really butchered that one. The visual effects are terrible and everything looks like plastic. The writing is a complete disaster and the fight choreography is generally lousy. Also: The puns. I’m good with puns and I love a cheesy joke, but the puns in Batman And Robin are cringe-worthy. I’ve got one word to say about the suits: Nipples. Yes, they had the audacity to put nipples on the bat-suit. Did they really think it was necessary to make the suit anatomically correct? There are a few bright spots here. One, Poison Ivy. Despite the writing, I actually like Uma Thurman as the character. Bruce’s conversations with Alfred are also pretty good and fairly powerful. It’s just a shame the rest of the film is a complete wreck. Director Joel Schumaker has since apologized for it, as did George Clooney. This film would have killed the franchise completely if Warner Bros. didn’t put it on the back-burner for a while. Thankfully, Christopher Nolan saved the fanchise with his Dark Knight Trilogy, starring Christian Bale.
That’s my list for the worst movie sequels. What are some of yours? Feel free to comment below.
Cast:
Scarlett Johansson: Lucy
Morgan Freeman: Professor Norman
Min-Sik Choi: Mr. Jang
Amr Waked: Pierre Del Rio
According to certain scientists, humans consciously use between 10-15 percent of their brain capacity at any given time. Others speculate that we only use 5 percent. Nobody really knows how much capacity that we do have. But many agree that there are certain points during our lives that our brain has expanded so we can learn more during a certain period of time. So, what would happen if we were able to access more than 10-15 percent? Again, nobody really knows for sure. But that hasn’t stopped people from speculating. Some speculation seems grounded in reality while other theories are something right out of a sci-fi movie. Oddly enough, this premise serves as the basis for French director Luc Besson’s latest sci-fi action romp: Lucy.
Opening in the front of a building a man is trying to get into a building to see the head of a local mob boss, Mr. Jang. Unable to get through, he gets his girlfriend Lucy to deliver a case to Mr. Jang. As soon as she gets in the door, things get ugly as that man is shot and killed and Lucy is taken to the top of the building with the case, where she is forced to open it. She’s apparently “offered” a job to deliver the contents of the case to some mysterious location. Knocked unconscious, she wakens to find that Mr. Jang had a package of a new drug inserted into her abdomen. When she reaches her destination blindfolded, she’s beaten by a local gang. Unfortunately, that beating ends up making the package leak its contents into Lucy’s body. After experiencing some very unusual side-effects of the drug, she attacks and ends up killing the people who kept her prisoner. It turns out that the drug has enhanced her cerebral capacity to the point where her reflexes are faster and she’s stronger. As time goes on, she begins to feel everything, from the blood in her veins to gravity itself. She contacts famed Professor Norman to find out exactly what’s happening to her and where things go from there.
This is a very interesting film. The trailer you see above would have you believe that Lucy is a balls-to-the-wall action flick. That is surprisingly not the case. Lucy has a lot more substance going for it than the film’s marketing would have you believe. The whole 10-15 percent of the human brain capacity theme isn’t particularly original. I’ve seen it before. The science in Lucy is kind of on shaky ground. Drugs that can enhance the human brain’s capacity? There really is no basis in reality for that. In the context of the film, it kind of works. As for developing super-human powers when the rest of the human brain is unlocked? Again, I doubt it, but there is no evidence suggesting that it couldn’t happen either. It’s mostly folklore at this point. For the sake of the film, let’s leave reality at the door, since we are here to see Johansson kick some serious butt. The marketing for Lucy is pretty deceptive. Why? While Lucy definitely holds her own against the criminal underground with guns and stuff, when she’s actively using her new-found power, she really doesn’t rely on guns. The scenes with her shooting people are actually kept to a minimum. When you see her actively using her powers, it is spectacular, especially later on in the movie. Luc Besson gave us the incredible La Femme Nikita,The Professional, and The Fifth Element. He certainly knows his way around an action film, and crafts some pretty thrilling stuff. There’s a car chase that has you gripping the edge of your seat. When she unleashes her power on the Asian mob that’s after her, people get thrown around like rag dolls. The visuals are absolutely stunning, especially near the end of the film. I won’t spoil it, but it’s wild. It doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense, but considering the amount of junk science used in the film, I can forgive it, because it’s spectacular. There are a lot of spectacular visuals in this movie, from when the drug first leaks into Lucy’s body to her being able to see radio waves. The visual effects are extremely well done.
Fresh off of Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Scarlett Johansson proves that she can handle action just as well as any male actor and look good doing it. I’ve heard of complaints about Scarlett’s performance in Lucy saying it’s wooden most of the time. Towards the beginning of the film, that certainly isn’t the case. Her performance changes as her character ends up losing her ability to feel emotion because of how she’s evolving. Scarlett Johansson is a fine actress and I thought she did a fantastic job here. Morgan Free is….well, Morgan Freeman. He’s one of the finest actors of his generation and gives Lucy more credibility than it would’ve had if he wasn’t cast. Luc Besson, obviously being French, uses a lot of foreign in actors in his movies. But he has a particularly good eye for solid performers. Min-Sik Choi plays the film’s villain, Mr. Jang, who is a real scumbag. Choi clearly knows how to play a villain and does a great job here. Amr Waked plays the cop, Pierre Del Rio, who seems to be both attracted to Lucy and afraid of her as well. This is the first movie I’ve seen Amr in, and he doesn’t do too bad of a job.
All that being said, Lucy definitely has some rough spots. The main real issue that some people have a problem with is the movie’s science about the human brain. I get it, for all we know about the human brain, we know fairly little about how a lot of it actually works. Lucy tries to show us the potential for the human brain, even if it’s not based on scientific truth. While the movie is 90 minutes long, the pieces between action scenes seem a little long. Also, the trailer is another example of bad marketing. As I stated above, the trailer has us believing that Scarlett Johansson plays this unstoppable blonde bombshell, when in fact the character isn’t actually looking for revenge. People expecting another superhero movie aren’t actually getting one. So, just be sure to temper your expectations. This is a surprisingly smart little action flick that gets more flack than it deserves. It certainly isn’t perfect, but the visuals along with action, really help propel this movie along at a mostly brisk pace. This one gets an 8.5/10.
